You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.
Meditation for anger or fear
A little self reflection can never hurt. Spend 5 minutes alone, completely alone…. no cellphone or computer, and notice where your mind goes. Simply acknowledge what you think about when there is nothing to to distract you. That’s a good starting point, as we typically jump to and focus on the things that upset us, rather than the things that bring us peace or leave us feeling content. Start there, then ask yourself if the emotions you felt came up because of your own patterns, or if they are because of the actions of someone else? Literally, play the blame game with yourself! If you believe that it is someone else’s problem or fault work your hardest to acknowledge that that is not the case. This doesn’t mean that if someone harmed you they shouldn’t be held accountable nor does it mean that they aren’t in the wrong- but that is their work. You are your own work. Start small by asking, what this memory brought up for you and then bring into acknowledgment memoris that bring the opposite of those bad emotions. Feeling worthless? Try remembering a moment when your were worthy. Feeling unloved? Think about a moment when your felt adored- sometimes even the search for the memory is enough to pull you up. If those emotions exsisted once, they can again, try and find peace in know that. We simply need to give them opportunities too.
If we gave our happiness as much weight as we give our sadness, the world would be a much different place.
This does not mean this is easy work- espically for people who have been hurt or wronged, it is a huge undertaking- give yourself time.
I can’t sleep (Trigger Warning)
Because I can’t stop seeing your face, and I can’t stop feeling your body, I can’t stop thinking about you. And so I try to think about you as separate parts- as a whole you are far to complicated. So I try and break you into pieces. I try think about just your face, the look on it as you attacked me. I think about how the rage slipped into grief and the grief into sorrow and the sorrow into rage again. I think about how your body became a weapon as mine became a crime scene. I think about your hands, how they were so tender and tentative as they held mine while walked and then how they became vicious and exact; weapons to aid the rest of you.
Our hands can hold, and being held can comfort the body and soothe our souls. And our hands can hold and being held can bait us, trap us, hurt and wound us. We can complicated and complex- our bodies just as much as our minds.
Sex is a beautiful gift of intimacy, a fierce passion. An innate expression of desire and love. It is tragic to me that such a gift can be manipulated in a act of warfare.
Our bodies are endlessly fascinating, they are powerful and capable. When removed from the mind, our bodies alone can do stunning acts. I practice yoga so I see this daily. Our bodies can harm too, they can abuse and overpower and manipulate.
Our minds are endless, infinite. That night, your mind decided to hurt. You made a choice to rape. You made a choice to rape me. You made a choice to turn the beautiful frame that holds you into an insidious form of poison. Your actions forced me to make decisions- decisions no one should have to make. I had to learn to separate my mind from my body. You allowed me to teach myself that I have capabilities in both my mind and body that I never thought of as possible. I am not grateful for you or the choices you made. But, I am grateful and shocked by my ability to recover. I was able to acknowledge both the complexities and simplicities of my Self.
Our minds are endless, infinite. Collectively, they have led us here, and they will take us to places we can not begin to imagine.
Also, go inside and listen to your body, because your body will never lie to you. Your mind will play tricks, but the way you feel in your heart, in your guts, is the truth.
People who think that their happiness is out of their own hands will never be happy.